Funny Quotes from Famous and Loved People


Funny quotes. A selection of funny quotes from famous people that we have chosen for you.

  • I saw a child eating an ice cream, … I crushed him in his face. You know that child will remember me when I’m 50 years old.
    Dane Cook
  • Older people should not eat healthy foods, they need all the preservatives they can get.
    Robert Orben
  • First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease that bears his name.
    Steve Martin
  • Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
    Katharine Hepburn
  • It is surprising that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always exactly matches the newspaper.
    Jerry Seinfeld
  • I saw a woman in a sweatshirt with Guess on her. I said, thyroid problem?
    Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • No doubt I deserved my enemies, but I do not think I deserved my friends.
    Walt Whitman
  • A good thing about music, when it hits you, you do not feel pain.
    Bob MarleyFunny Quotes
  • My mother is the kind of woman you do not want to be behind the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
    Chris Rock
  • Never raise your hand towards your children; this leaves your middle section unprotected.
    Robert Orben
  • People always ask me: “Were you funny as a child?” Well, no, I was an accountant.
    Ellen Degeneres
  • Sarah Palin HAS to be a Latina: she has a job and her husband does not work. She is going to be a grandmother and she has a baby, she is Latina.
    George Lopez
  • I never expected to see the day when girls would burn with the sun in the places they now have.
    Will Rogers
  • In comics, the person on the left always speaks first.
    George Carlin
  • I want to make a puzzle of 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go out’.
    Demetri Martin
  • OMG. We have had cloning in the south for years. It’s called cousins.
    Robin Williams
  • Originality is the beautiful art of remembering what you hear but forget where you heard it.
    Laurence J. Peter
  • It is simple, if it is agitated, it is fat.
    Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • Men do not care what’s on television. They only care what else there is on television.
    Jerry Seinfeld
  • The only time I enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put the gin on the steam iron.
    Phyllis Diller


    Television is chewing gum for the eyes.
    Frank Lloyd Wright

  • I have not failed I just found 10,000 shapes that will not work.
    Thomas A. Edison
  • I always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those red knives.
    Billy Connolly
  • Every time I feel the need to exercise, I go to bed until it disappears.
    Robert Maynard Hutchins
  • Men are as loyal as their options.
    Bill Maher
  • If you have a secret, people will sit a little closer.
    Rob Corddry
  • If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
    Mel Brooks
  • Logic will take you from A to Z; the imagination will take you everywhere.
    Albert Einstein
  • I used to sell furniture to live. The problem was that it was mine.
    Les Dawson
  • Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
    Johnny Carson
  • A vegetarian is a person who will not eat anything that can have children.
    David Brenner
  • All generalizations are false, including this one.
    Mark Twain
  • If two errors do not make a right, try three.
    Laurence J. Peter
  • Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow up, you will avoid it.
    Joey Adams
  • My fake plants died because I do not intend to water them.
    Mitch Hedberg

    I intend to live forever. So far so good.
    Steven Wright

  • My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty years old. He is ninety-seven years old and we do not know where the hell he is.
    Ellen Degeneres
  • Any child will do anything for you, if you ask at bedtime.
    Red Skelton
  • Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.
    John LennonFunny Quotes
  • People who think they know everything are a big nuisance to those of us who do.
    Isaac Asimov
  • Imperfection is beauty, madness is great and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.
    Marilyn Monroe
  • Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
    Wanda Sykes
  • All people are born equal, except Republicans and Democrats.
    Groucho Marx
  • I have not talked to my wife in years. I did not want to interrupt her.
    Rodney Dangerfield

    Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
    Groucho Marx

  • The only thing I know about Africa is that it is very, very far away. Around a flight of thirty-five hours. The boat trip is so long, there are still slaves on the way here.
    Chris Rock
  • I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap with me.
    Warren Buffett
  • I do not trust the camels and anyone else who can spend a week without drinking.
    Joe E. Lewis
  • I would never die for my beliefs because I could be wrong.
    Bertrand Russell
  • The recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
    Ronald Reagan
  • Cross-country skiing is ideal if you live in a small country.
    Steven Wright
  • How many people here have telekéneticos powers? I raise my hand.
    Emo Philips
  • The madness of a man is the wife of another man.
    Helen Rowland
  • There can not be a crisis the next week. My schedule is already full.
    Henry A. Kissinger
  • It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself”.
    Johnny Carson
  • Fatherhood is to pretend that the gift you love the most is soap on a string.
    Bill Cosby
  • Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer more than you.
    Dr. Seuss (Happy Birthday)
  • I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
    Mitch Hedberg
  • You know you have a drinking problem when the waiter knows your name, and you’ve never been to that bar before.
    Zach galifianakis


    He taught me the cleaning service; When I get divorced, I keep the house.
    Zsa Zsa Gabor

  • God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately there was not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
    Robin Williams
  • I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever met.
    Walt Disney
  • There are only three things that women need in life: food, water and compliments.
    Chris Rock
  • Fashions have done more damage than revolutions.
    Victor Hugo
  • My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
    Spike MilliganFunny Quotes
  • All the corn candy that was made was made in 1911.
    Lewis Black
  • If you’re going to have two faces, at least make one look pretty.
    Marilyn Monroe
  • Everything that used to be a sin now is a disease.
    Bill Maher
  • If God wanted us to bow, I would put diamonds on the floor.
    Joan Rivers
  • At what age do you think it is appropriate to indicate a road that was adopted?
    Zach galifianakis
  • I think if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.
    Ron White
  • Behind every great man there is a woman who rolls her eyes.
    Jim Carrey
  • I discovered that there was only one way to appear thin: to hang out with fat people.
    Rodney Dangerfield
  • I have a loving interest in each of my films: a gun.
    Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
    Lana Turner
  • In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it lasts longer than milk.
    Rita Rudner
  • I dream of moving to India or Pakistan and becoming a taxi driver.
    Zach galifianakis
  • Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
    Robin Williams
  • A day without sunlight is like, you know, at night.
    Steve Martin
  • Confidence is like a mirror, you can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the crack in that son of a bitch’s reflection.
    Lady Gaga
  • Between two evils, I always choose the one I never tried before.
    Mae West
  • I’m sorry for the people who do not drink. When they wake up in the morning, it’s as good as they’ll feel all day.
    Frank Sinatra
  • When you court a good girl, an hour seems a second. When you sit in a red-hot ash, a second seems like an hour. That is relativity.
    Albert Einstein
  • Do not cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
    Dr. Seuss
  • Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure of the universe
    Albert Einstein
  • When I was a kid, my family’s menu consisted of two options: take it or leave it.
    Buddy Hackett
  • A two year old is like having a blender, but you do not have the best one.
    Jerry Seinfeld
  • I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a democrat
    Will Rogers
  • Those who care do not matter, and those who matter do not care.
    Bernard M. Baruch
  • A stockbroker urged me to buy an action that would triple its value each year. I said: “At my age, I do not even buy green bananas.”
    Claude Pepper
  • The first time I sang in the church choir; Two hundred people changed their religion.
    Fred Allen
  • The day I made that statement, about inventing the Internet, I was tired because I had been awake all night inventing the camcorder.
    Al Gore
  • Be yourself; all others are already taken.
    Oscar WildeFunny Quotes
  • Always forgive your enemies; nothing bothers them so much.
    Oscar Wilde
  • Always finish the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you shout, the name transmits it.
    Bill Cosby
  • Wine is a constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
    Benjamin Franklin
  • I always wanted to be someone, but now I realize that I should have been more specific.
    Lily Tomlin
  • Household chores can not kill you, but why risk it?
    Phyllis Diller
  • Everyone knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
    P. J. O’Rourke
  • We have so much food in the United States that we are allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people are not allergic to s ** t. Do you think someone in Rwanda has lactose intolerance?
    Chris Rock
  • The white man makes guns? No problem. Does the black rapper say “weapon”? Hearing of the Congress.
    Chris Rock
  • I do not fear death, I just do not want to be there when it happens.
    Woody Allen
  • Anyone who says they can see through women is missing a lot.
    Groucho Marx
  • Happiness is having a large loving, affectionate and united family in another city.
    George Burns
  • A love scene by James Cagney is one in which he lets the other guy live.
    Bob Hope
  • The mind of a woman is cleaner than that of a man: she changes it more often.
    Oliver Herford
  • The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to remember. Instantly.
    Demetri Martin
  • Do not worry about anything, every little thing will be fine
    Bob Marley
  • If a woman tells you that she is 20 and you see 16, she is 12 years old. If she tells you that she is 26 and that she looks like 26, she is almost 40.
    Chris Rock
  • Who chooses your clothes? Stevie wonder?
    Don Rickles
  • A day without laughter is a wasted day.
    Carlos Chaplin
  • I do not deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I do not deserve that either.
    Jack Benny
  • When I finally met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always.
    Rita Rudner
  • If at first you do not succeed … so much for skydiving.
    Henny Youngman
  • Miami Beach is where the neon is going to die.
    Lenny Bruce
  • If you can not explain it to a six-year-old child, you do not understand it yourself.
    Albert Einstein
  • If I want to get a story from the cover, I just change my hairstyle.
    Hillary ClintonFunny Quotes
  • Be nice to nerds You may end up working for them. We all could.
    Charles J. Sykes
  • Men want three things in life. Food, sex and silence. So feed me, kick me out and close the f ** k!
    Chris Rock
  • We need two types of acquaintances, one to complain, while for others we boast.
    Logan P. Smith
  • There is no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box in your lap.
    Kevin James
  • Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
    George Burns
  • Why do not you get out of that wet coat and get a dry Martini?
    Robert Benchley

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